December152009
long time coming.
i’m not particularly good with this kind of stuff so bare with me as i stumble getting this out.
i’m a very very happy outgoing, friendly person. always have been, always will be. even when things get me very down. i put on my smile, i laugh away the tears and i get on with my life.
finally, things have caught up with me. i think getting effed over by two guys that i was seeing, having knee surgery, dealing with my sick mom and just feeling alone finally caught up with me. maybe it’s just the massive amount of painkillers that i’ve been on since friday, but i don’t think i have been as emotional and as big a wreck as i’ve been in the last 5 days since taj and i broke up over a year and a half ago. i thought my world had come crashing down then.. which, really.. it had.. and it seems to be doing the same again.
i picked myself back up and started over. i reunited with old friends who gladly accepted me back into my prior role in their lives.. the crazy, fun outgoing friend who was always ready and down for everything. i masked that pain with alcohol. i’m more than willing to admit it. but i had fun. i went out almost every single night of my last year of college at ku. i stayed up until 8am drinking with friends when i had class at 10am. i lived my college experience to the fullest. and i partied away my fears and my tears by never having a waking moment to dwell on the things in my life that bother me.
and trust me, there’s a whole hell of a lot that bothers me. about my life, about my family, and more importantly about myself. from the inside, out. if you were to ask me what was the best thing about myself.. my answer would more than likely be my hair. when i look at myself, that’s about the only thing i see that’s of any value. which is sad. i’m almost 24 years old, i should value myself. but i don’t. i value everyone and everything around me and i put them before myself.
i let things build and build. i go out of my way to be friends with people. friends with people who don’t even give me the courtesy of being my friend back. i concentrate on others and my friendships with these people and not making myself better.
this probably makes no sense whatsoever to whoever may stumble across it but at least i got it out there. my life is crumbling.. no.. crashing.. down around me. i can’t be the support that everyone wants to me to be anymore. i can’t be the strong one. it’s too much. i can barely support myself anymore let alone be the one for my sick mom, my sad friends. and the thing is, when i need those friends, they’re not there for me. i’m on my own. to deal with, or not deal with as it is, my own problems without any support.
and sometimes, you just need someone there to support you. i’m still looking for that person. and hopefully, one day, i’ll find them. before the walls of my life come crashing down completely to where i can’t fix them myself.
